Torn

I want to write.

I think I’m an output-driven person. I really want to write because I want to add a post to this blog. I want it to be productive. I want to read another post written by myself.

But I don’t want to write.

Writing makes me think. Thinking leads to overthinking. I tend to overthink A LOT. Overthinking leads to nonsense worries and anxieties. I hate the feeling of being fearful of the unsure, of the future.

Still, I want to write.

Writing keeps me alive. Writing gives me a certain drive, close to adrenaline. It excites me. It brings colors to my life. It’s something different. I’m proud that I can write. Not everyone could or has the interest in writing.

I don’t really want to write.

It’s at times exhausting to put yourself out there, to use specific words to briefly or accurately sketch your thoughts and your emotions. It could also be extremely frustrating when you cannot find the perfect way to express yourself and what you’d like to share. It is kind of sad when nobody takes what you’ve willingly given.

I want to write.

In the end, I’ve written something. Though still torn, I produced something.

Although not that skilled, I’d like to still call myself a writer. I’m a writer who writes whenever she wants to, whenever she doesn’t want to, and whenever she’s torn between writing and not writing. 🙂

Two Months Later…

Last January 5, 2017, I’ve created this platform. I wanted it to be a fun place for me to share what I do and what I love. I thought it’ll be more of the things I do really, not my thoughts. This blog has definitely become my journal, a bin for my unspoken words.

Ever since, expressing myself verbally has been a struggle to me. Actually, it’s something I do very rarely. I open up to my best friend before but now that we no longer get to hang out, I can no longer do. I open up with my mother before about my problems in school but now that I’m no longer attending school, I no longer do. I open up with my sister, this I still do but I feel like I still cannot release all of the emotions and thoughts I have inside. That is why a journal is very vital for me.

I’ve shared myself here but I still have some restrictions. I don’t want to post negative posts. If I would, at the end, I want to turn it into positive. I’ve posted a lot of motivational posts which are basically for myself too.

I wanted to post more of what I do but tbh, I don’t really do much. I’m actually a bit lost right now. I am not sure of the direction this blog’s heading to. My posts are all over the place. What I worry is that I may delete this blog one day because of the disorganization. Yes, I am a bit OC.

I’m also thinking of leveling up this blog by posting images. The only thing about adding images to my posts is that it’ll take up much from my data limit since I’m using the free plan.

Let’s see.

I don’t know if I could say “so far, so good” based from the blog’s performance. I guess what I should do now is to rethink the blog’s purpose. Is it supposed to be a place where I could vent out or is it supposed to be a place where people can get motivation from? What do you think?

Ang Pangarap Ko

Habang nagdadaldalan ang mga kaklase ko dahil wala pa ang guro namin, nakaupo ako sa sulok, nagsusulat sa aking kwaderno at nangangarap…

Naks. Ganda ng into e. Parang pang-MMK or MPK. Haha. Pero totoo ‘yan. No’ng elementary, hindi sa sulok. No’ng high school, sulok na sulok, Bes.

Pangarap ko. No’ng nag-graduate ako ng prep, ang sabi ko sa stage, “When I grow up, I want to be a dentist.” Pero echos lang ‘yon. Mema lang. Memasabi lang. No’ng elementary ako, uso ‘yong mga slambook. Kapag nabibigyan ako ng pagkakataon na magsulat sa ganoon, ang sinusulat ko sa tanong na “What is your greatest dream?” ay “To be a successful writer.” yata. Haha basta ‘yon kasi talaga ang pangarap ko.

Tuwang-tuwa ako noon kapag pinapagawan kami ng essay. Pagkakataon ko kasi ‘yon para malabas ang creative juices ko. Napili pa nga akong maging parte ng school paper namin (na hindi naman natuloy) dahil sa ginawa kong essay. Hindi naman ako gumagamit ng malalalalim na salita, sadyang mahilig lang akong maglaro ng mga salita at gumamit ng metaphors. Ang gusto ko kasi matuwa ako, maging proud ako sa sarili ko kapag binasa ko ‘yong sinulat ko.

Nagsusulat na rin ako ng mga kwento elementary pa lang. Nakatapos ako ng buong kwento no’ng second year high school ako. Ang kaso lang, hindi ko nakita ang pagsusulat bilang career. Hobby lang siya para sa akin kaya naman walang paki sa pagsusulat ang kinuha kong kurso. Sa katunayan, wala akong idea noon kung anong kurso ang kukuhanin dahil wala naman akong ibang pangarap.

Laking tuwa ko no’ng nalaman ko ang tungkol sa Wattpad, isang online writing community. Sa tuwing vacant, wala akong ginagawa kung hindi magbasa ng mga stories do’n hanggang sa dumating ‘yong puntong nagpo-post na rin ako ng kwento ro’n.

Sa nasabing site talaga na-develop kung ano mang skill sa pagsusulat mayro’n ako. Sa mga writing contests ko na-discover ‘yong mga writing rules, mga technicality ng pagsusulat. Doon din naging maselan ang panlasa ko sa mga istorya. Kumbaga, nagsimula akong maging kritiko at hindi na lamang isang simpleng mambabasa. At dahil din sa Wattpad, mas lumalim ang kagustuhan kong maging mahusay na manunulat at maging isang published author.

Aaminin ko, naiinggit talaga ako sa mga writer na nagkakaroon ng published work. Sobrang saya siguro kapag nahawakan ko na ‘yong libro na may pangalan ko. Grabe, mas tumitindi ‘yong kagustuhan ko ngayon na magka-published work dahil sa pagsusulat nitong post na ito.

Aaminin ko rin na naiinis ako sa mga writer na nabibigyan ng pagkakataong maging published kahit pa hindi nila ‘yon deserving. Sorry na pero kasi ang dami lang magagaling at mas deserving na writer na hindi nabibigyan ng break.

Pero honestly, alam ko naman sa sarili ko na hindi pa ako handa. Oo, sumubok na ako noon na magpasa ng manuscript sa mga publisher pero kasi ang daming plot holes no’ng kwento kong ‘yon. Kahit na ang dami ko ng nasulat na kwento, mga nobela, alam ko wala pa talaga akong nasusulat na publish worthy.

Pero sa totoo lang, minsan, hindi ko rin mapigilang maitanong kung “Bakit kaya?” Bakit kaya walang bumabasa ng mga sinusulat ko? Maayos naman sila. Bakit kaya walang nakakapansin sa akin? Minsan, sumasagi sa isipan kong hindi para sa akin ang pagsusulat. Baka nga hindi para sa akin ang pangarap ko kaya kahit anong gawin ko, hindi ko siya maabot-abot. Saklap, bes. Kanina sobrang lakas ng fire, ngayon naman parang mamamatay na. Kasi naman e.

Kasi naman madalas, lahat ng efforts ko, hindi nagbubunga. Dapat na ba talaga akong bumitaw? Bibitiwan ko na ba ‘yong pangarap ko simula pa noon? Kaya ko ba?

Hindi ko kaya. Iyon talaga ang greatest dream ko e. Ito talaga ang greatest dream ko. Ang pagsusulat. Ang maging manunulat.