Profound Goal

I’ll tell you a secret. I am actually quite ambitious. But at the same time, I am also very passive. I am a true Gemini.

Today, I caught one of my college friends looking at wedding invitations on Facebook. I think she’s planning on getting married. It hits me that moment, it hits me in the head and gives me a wakeup call. Hello, Kriz, you’re old now. Be an adult.

I turned 24 last June 7. Yes, I’m pretty old. I remember in college, my sociology professor asked me what my ideal age is to become a mom. I answered her, 27. Woopsy, I only have 3 years. Where will I find an ideal father? Lol. Goofing aside, my goal isn’t that.

I have this profound goal to be someone people want to be like. I want to be an inspiration and that’s the main reason why I want to be successful. If you’ve read my previous blog posts, you know that I care less about success compared to happiness. But right now, I have this objective to be successful in order to reach my goal of being a role model especially to young adults.

My goal, I very much know, is too profound. It isn’t concrete and it would take a lot, a lot of effort and hardwork and courage to reach it. Considering my current situation, it seems to be an impossible goal. But hey, isn’t it they say if you set your mind on one thing and really have the desire to get it, you would?

One thing’s for sure, I’ll be taking my time getting there. I wouldn’t rush the process so that it will be worth it in the end. I’ll start by believing in myself. 🙂

006

I know something has changed

I had learned to forgive myself

I had learned to fogive people

I had learned to forgive my fate.

I’m hoping other things will change too

And maybe my life would be better

And maybe I could be someone’s joy

And maybe I would be happy.

It’s not like I’m unhappy

It is like I’m incomplete

There’s a lot that I’m lacking

One by one, I want to fill my emptiness.

It is not like I’m fully empty

I’m grateful for what I have

I don’t desire more but I need more

And it’s not only out of selfishness.

What I Think You Should Know About Me

I don’t like being misunderstood. I cannot stand it when people think they know me when they really don’t. I am different. I don’t act and think the way most people would. I am a mediator and if you would search my personality type, you’d see that I am part of the minority, the minority that the majority always fails to understand.

If you’re here from my Facebook profile then welcome to a piece of my mind. It’s true, I am weird. But definitely not in a negative way. I am weird only because I don’t like what most people would like. I also don’t know how to mingle. It’s just not a skill that I’ve learned in the past.

Yes, I am a quiet person. It’s not because I don’t like the people around me. It’s only because I’m shy and I don’t know what to say or respond so I often just smile. When I’m comfortable with you yet choose to be quiet, it may only mean I’m not in the mood to talk. I am an introvert. I get easily tired conversing with people. I am never comfortable talking with a large group.

I hate it when people mistake themselves as introverts. Being an introvert does not only mean you like reading or you like staying at home or you tend to stay quiet. Being an introvert means you’re always going to be nervous with crowds and you’ll choose to stay at home to prevent embarrassing yourself due to your inborn awkwardness. I’ll never say I am an extrovert. Don’t tell me you’re an introvert just because of that one time you chose to sleep in instead of attending a friend’s party.

Yes, I am sensitive. I am sensitive not only for myself. I am sensitive for other people too especially my family. If you have anything bad to say or do to any member of my family, say or do it to me instead. I cry a lot. I cry over the silliest things. I cry the most when I’m frustrated. I get frustrated a lot.

I am prideful. It’s not easy for me to go on everyday with my current status. I am full of pride and that’s the reason why I am not growing. To tell you the truth, I don’t know how to make a request. I would just let myself die in thirst than ask for a glass of water.

I am not a bad person but I’m not also a good person. I think I’m a so-so. I gossip too and think badly of others. But, I never fight with anyone. I never argued not confronted anybody. You can say, I’m pretty much a doormat. I let other people step on me. I self-pity a lot. Hey, I am not perfect. I also compare myself and my life with others. I also get envy. I also think that I deserve more than I have at times.

I am a complicated person. This why it takes a lot of energy to express myself without getting misunderstood. It’s also the reason why sometimes I choose to be silent, rather than explain my complicated self. I think a lot. I think more than I speak. I think about so many things. I worry about so many things.

I get sad easily. One simple thing can turn a good day into bad. I am a Gemini so I believe it’s to be expected that I get moody. I cry now and laugh later, be affectionate now and cold later, talk to you now and snob you later. Sorry, it seems like the more I explain myself, the more I become confusing.

I believe in God. This is one thing people who personally know me does not know about me. I talk to God a lot. I am a Catholic and I go to church every Sunday. I read Bible. I hope I could say that I’m truly close to God.

I am pretty much a laid-back person. I don’t think we’re born to succeed. I think happiness is what’s most important in this world. It’s not important how we enjoy our lives. What’s important is that we do enjoy our lives. I was materialistic before. I wanted a library. I wanted a makeup room. Now, I only want what I need. I need people most and love.

I’d like to believe that I am creative. I am not born to fix systems, calculate material costs, design new insentives, or do millions of time study. I believe I am born to create an art, a masterpiece that would carry my mark infinitely. I am a dreamer, an idealist. Look it up if you want. 🙂 I like smiling. Whether there’s a reason to or not, smiling is good.

I am both fearless and fearful. What’s there to lose? I don’t know so I don’t think I should be fearful. Yet, I am. I am rebellious. Whenever I’m pissed, I like doing what people don’t want me to do. When I’m pissed, I like pissing others too. I can go all out when I’m pissed. I’m scary. You would want to stay out of my line.

I am an irony. I guess I like it better when people see me as a mystery. I don’t want to be known. But look what I’ve been doing. I tend to kick people out of my life. Hang on. If you want to be close to me, please endure my resistance for a little while. I like it when people still pursue me even though I’m pushing them away. Or must I say, I would like it.

I am not sure if this helps you understand me or it just made you more confused about me. If it’s the former, good then. If the latter applies more, still good then. I never wanted to attach myself to people who do not deserved me. As they say, if you cannot stand a person at their worst, then you don’t deserve them at their best.

Pink clouds

I woke up feeling anxious. I had a nightmare. A red helicopter suddenly appeared and it went inside the house and almost crushed me. The pilot wanted to kill me.

I let myself calm down for a moment. Then, I went outside for my morning walk.

It was pretty windy. The ground was wet due to last night’s heavy rain, which even resulted to power interruption. It was just 5 am.

I picked a flower that had fallen from its tree. It was a white angel. I thought it’ll be my companion for today’s walk. But, I dropped it. I felt a bit disappointed yet I proceeded, my heart a bit heavy.

Then, I turned around. I turned around to go back home. I turned around and saw the clouds. They were pink. Not all of them but up there was a mixture of different shades of blue, a hint of yellow, and pink. It was a beautiful sight.

The clouds somehow brought me the peace that I needed. And right that moment, I became certain that Someone up there is really looking after me. He knew that I wasn’t feeling well. He knew that I needed comfort. He knew that my favorite color is and will always be pink.

At our favorite restaurant…

Saturday. Saturday evening. The way to our favorite restaurant was quite a chaos. It left us wondering if the traffic lights were properly working. Nonetheless, we’ve reached our destination. Well, it’s been a while. Three months and a half to be exact.

No need for any occasion. Someone in the family will give an idea that it’ll be nice to eat out and we’ll all agree. We tried other places too but we always go back to our favorite restaurant.

Our favorite restaurant offers all-Filipino dishes. It has the best ambiance. It’s surrounded by stars; being there feels like Christmas all the time. It is an open area with lots of long tables. The chairs are too comfy, you can rest your back and even lift your legs on it. And because the place is open, you will never feel alone. You’ll see the different vehicles down the road but it wouldn’t be too noisy. You will still hear the lovely music the restaurant plays. After 7 pm, a live band will be ready to serenade everyone. It’s awesome.

While waiting for the food, which are needless to say delicious, I like to look outside. I like to see the busyness of the world around me. I like feeling the natural breeze too as it kisses my skin. Sometimes, I like to listen to nearby conversations, as well. It’s nice. It’s just really nice.

And then, every time we leave, I could always feel my tummy smiling and my heart too. It was another memorable moment. It was simple yet meaningful. It wasn’t just about the food, the music, my company, the ambiance. I’d say it’s also about the warm feeling I carry inside whenever we go to our favorite restaurant. It’s nice. It’s just really nice.

24 New (and not-so-new) Habits

As I’ve mentioned in my post, Decluttering, I’ll be turning 24 next month (specifically on the 7th). I want to improve myself and my life now that I’m becoming a fully bloomed adult. I want to be proud of myself and inspire others too. For me, that’s my main goal in life – to be of inspiration in any positive way.

To achieve my goal, I’ve decided to pledge to observe 24 new and not-so-new good habits. This is also my way of becoming aware of the things that I do wrong and then ultimately stop myself from doing them.

I want to share to you these 24 habits. You can borrow some or you can also create your very own established habits. I think the last one is the most important of all.

1. Be Less Digital

I will be honest, every single day, I’m in my phone the most. And I’m pretty sure I’m not alone. I’m pretty sure there are a lot of us who prioritize social media. It’s like missing out on a news about our idol or about the person we care about is the greatest sin of life. In my case, it’s getting out of hand. All I want to do is be on social media all-day everyday. It’s such a bad habit.

From now on, I will only go on social media whenever I’m in my desk. I will also try my best to not be on my desk all-day everyday. This is only the first step.

2. Stop being lazy for myself.

I take a bath twice daily since I’m living in the hot and humid Philippines. But I know, that’s not enough self-care. I really get lazy to put on mask, to clean my nails, and the likes. This time, I’d be more industrious and willing to be more physically pleasing. I will tend to my nails once every two days and I will do mask twice a week. I’ll do other hygiene tasks more often.

3. Eat clean.

No more junk food. No more fast food. I’ll eat more vegetables. I will stay away from fatty and salty food. I will also drink lots and lots of water daily.

4. Be fit and physically confident.

I will workout even if I don’t feel like it. I’ll get back to my morning walks. My body clock has quite been messed up for a couple of weeks and so I wasn’t able to get up early. I’ve forgotten the day I last did a morning walk. But, I’ll get back to it. I really would.

I will make my body stronger through strength training and yoga and then, I’m certain that I could be confident with it. I will also be able to maintain my blood sugar at normal level.

5. Stop making excuses.

For the longest time, I’m not making any progress in my life due to excuses that I’m making up. I always say I can’t because of this and because of that. This time, no more excuses. I will be a doer now.

6. Stop complaining.

I don’t know why but I always find time and reasons to complain. I complain about my life the most and complaining does not benefit me. So, I would stop. I will also stop comparing my life to others’.

7. Use my time efficiently.

I will find new things to do that will make me more productive. I need to find something that I will enjoy so that whenever I feel bored, I will not resort to using my phone. Hopefully, I could find something profitable.

8. Read more.

I really want to gain more knowledge about anything, but mostly those I could use practically. I also want to enter new worlds and meet new awesome people by reading fictional stories.

9. Write more.

Well… 🙂 I also want to create new worlds and new people.

10. Listen more.

This is another way for me to obtain useful information. I also want to understand other people better. And maybe, just maybe, by listening more to other people, I’d be able to understand myself better. Listening, I know, is also a way of doing someone a favor. Let’s admit it, we are all longing for a person who’s willing to listen to us.

11. Talk more.

Since I am an introvert, I tend to be really quiet. This is why people label me as weird and why they cannot understand my personality. I need to talk more. I need to adjust to them so that we can understand each other. I need to do this for myself. I need to learn how to express myself, how to translate my thoughts and emotions into spoken words. I need to finally speak up.

12. Be more open.

Another strong characteristic that I have is being sensitive. It hinders me from growing because I tend to close my ears than listen to criticisms. Let’s be honest, some criticisms are important. They’re our push to improve. I will now be more open to hear out what people have to say about me and think about them rationally.

13. Say “yes” more.

I will also become more open to opportunities. I will explore the world. I will explore my potentials. I will be willing to try on new things. I will no longer let myself regret not doing this and not doing that.

14. Be more myself.

Most people who know me think I’m serious. I’m really not. Although I’m quite temperamental, I also have a goofy side. I believe I can also pull of a good sense of humor. I can be a little cray in public doing unexpected things for fun. People see me as a complicated person but I’m just really a simple human being. I get happy over the simplest things and get sad over the silliest things. I’m just like everybody else. 

15. Take care of my inner self.

I will continue my habit of meditating daily and doing yoga. I will also pamper myself every once in a while for utmost relaxation. I will also attend to my inner child by playing with my nephews and cousins, by watching cartoons, and many other ways.

16. Always be joyful and thankful.

A grateful heart is a happy heart. Instead of focusing on the things that I don’t have, I will always put in mind how fortunate I am for having everything that I have. Everyday, I will take time to thank God.

17. Be thoughtfully honest.

I am honest, sometimes too painfully honest that I already hurt other people. It’s time I change my ways. I’ll find the right words to say before ending up saying the wrong words. I will always consider other’s feelings. I now realize that it’s not enough to be logical, we also need to be compassionate. We cannot straighten a mistake with another mistake. And the reality is, people will only appreciate honesty if it’s kind.

18. Be optimistic.

Despite being an idealist, I admit I’m extremely pessimistic. I worry about the silliest things and did it help me? Absolutely not. From now on, I’d be more positive. I’ll let myself think more of the positive results of whatever that I want to do and be excited about it than of the negative results and just be discouraged.

19. Help more.

Whenever I can, I’ll extend my hand to anyone who’s in need. I’ll make it a part of my nature to help. And I will help without asking for any repayment.

20. Be kinder.

I feel like we all need kindness. Since we’re all going through some tough times in our lives, an act of kindness these days is much appreciated. I will smile to strangers more. I will be more polite and respectful.

21. Be more patient.

I know I need more patience in dealing with difficult people and difficult situations. I also need the longest patience to wait for my destiny to unfold before me.

22. Spread more love.

The world needs more love. We need more love. I want to share more of the amazing love God has for all of us. I also want others, especially those who feel alone, to feel that they are loved. We all are loved.

23. Love more.

I’m scared to love because I’m scared of pain. But maybe if I love, if I only love without expecting anything in return, there’ll be no more pain. I’ll love more without any inhibitions, I believe all of us should.

24. Be committed.

This is the most important because if I’m not committed, I won’t do all the other 23 habits and I wouldn’t be able to reach my many dreams. 🙂

Decluttering

Today, I’ve decided to declutter my room and finally throw away the things that no longer serve me. I own a lot of school supplies and things that you usually display. Some of them were gifts. I was really hesitant to throw away those which are gifted to me in respect to the giver, but they’re the things I don’t really need. So, I’ve decided today is the day that I let them go to create more space in my room.

I also cleaned my closet and removed all the clothes that I no longer wear. Most I will throw because they are really old but I left some to act as rags. The rest, I’ll give away to my relatives who want them.

This process, for me, of decluttering is therapeutic because it’s such a concrete demonstration of our abilities to let go of anything that we no longer need in our lives. Two words – we can. It may be difficult especially if the things do have sentimental value for us wherein we remember something special whenever we see them. But that’s actually what the process is. It requires the strength to let go no matter difficult.

Next month, I will reach the age of 24. Pretty old, huh? And I want it to be a turning point in my life. I want it to be the age when finally, I break out of my comfort zone and find where my heart is, and then follow it without thinking twice. Before my birthday, I want to prepare. I want to be prepared. I want to gain the strength, as well as the serenity. I want to be at peace with myself, with my past, with everything that is in my life.

I hope I could be mature enough, yet still very childish. I’ll only age but I won’t ever let go of my inner child and its ability to be happy over the simplest, the littlest things of life.

I know a lot of things may happen and plans may change. But, whatever clutter may come in our lives, I hope we can always find the strength and the ability to declutter… to simply let go without thinking too much and without hesitations… to create new lovely spaces for even lovelier things… and, and to love ourselves more, our lives more, our space – our space – like we have never loved it before.