My Pride, My Greatest Enemy

I know I’m not at my best these days. I am extremely moody due to hormonal imbalance, I believe. I currently have my period. But, aside from that I know that my pride’s also butting in. My pride contributes most to me being cranky. I’m writing this now for I’m acknowledging my need to change.

People, lots of people annoy me. They annoy me with every little uneccessary or unkind thing they do and say. In my mind, they’re at fault. They make my head ache, my mood foul, and myself not generally well. Because of that, I speak unkind words to them or about them. Because of that, I think badly of them. Because of that, I hurt them. And when I realize that I became disrespectful and actually have hurt someone’s feelings, guilt eats me up.

Now, I’m coming to realize that it’s not really about these other people. It is about me. I should stop expecting them to be no flaws. I should start accepting them for what they are. If what they’re doing are no longer right, I should talk to them using only kind words. Hating them and hurting them would only hurt me too. Hating them and hurting them would not result into something good.

I should, before anything else, give my pride up. What people do hurt me because of it. If I give it up, I would be more kind, patient, and understanding. Most of all, I would no longer have guilty feelings for I would no longer hate and hurt someone. Every day would be a good day then. And, I would start to get along with everyone.

I will do all of these for myself. In the process, I hope I could inspire others too to create positive environment and relationship with everybody. 🙂

By the way, to all the mothers out there, HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY! You all are awesome!

Why do people get hurt?

Why do people get hurt? Is it because they love too much or because their love’s not enough?

Why do people get hurt? Is it because they love too much?

They love too much but don’t get anything in return. Those they love do things that hurt them. Those they love ignore them and their feelings. Those they love are not deserving of their love. Those they love don’t know how to accept their love.

Why do people get hurt? Is it because their love’s not enough?

If it’s enough, they wouldn’t get hurt if those they love don’t love them back. If it’s enough, they’ll be contented looking after those they love from afar. If it’s enough, they’ll be contented by merely love. “Merely” loving? Is there such a thing?

So, why do people get hurt? Should they really get hurt? Should they? And if yes, why should they?

Everyday, we ask the question “why?” and everyday – either tirelessly or exhaustedly – we try to find the answers to our why’s. Some days, we find them. Other days, we simply don’t like today, I don’t.

Maybe, I’m crying.

Maybe, I’m sad. Maybe, the feeling of being alone gets to me right now. Maybe, I’m lonely right now. Maybe, I’m wishing to have friends… friends… friends who truly care. Maybe, I don’t need people who needed someone who’s willing to listen but is never willing to do the same. Maybe, I am tired of being a friend. Maybe, right now it’s me who badly needed one.

I’m tired. I’m tired of always being the one who must understand. I’m tired of being misunderstood, misheard, or ignored. I’m tired of being the girl in the background. I’m tired of having to do the most difficult job yet not having any credit at all. I’m tired of doing someone a favor. Can I… Can I be the one to ask a favor right now?

I’m deeply tired of loving people who don’t love me back. It’s tiring to extend my patience over and over again; to bend myself, my principles, my priorities for other people. I’m sick of being used over and over again. I’m sick and tired of caring too much… for people who do not deserve it. Can someone care about me too for once? Please?

It’s sad to have a glimmer of hope that simple die down in the end. It’s tiring to face disappointments over and over again, and pains… and pains that I’ve promised myself I’ll never feel again. But I did and honestly, they stink more and more, instead of being bearable, as time passes by.

Maybe, I’m just tired. Maybe, my life isn’t that bad. Maybe, I seriously need someone… someone who’s going to try his best to understand me, who’s going to go out of his way for me, who’s going to listen willingly, who’s going to care lovingly. Maybe… Is it all a may and a be? Probably.

Why be kind?

I was in the church. I happened to come early. The mass hadn’t started yet. I’d decided to observe people, just one of the things I do to find inspiration for my future stories and for living life in general.

At the first pew, I saw a dad with his daughter. It was not something you see every Sunday. Usually, it’d be a mother-daughter tandem. I thought of a reason why the mother was absent. Maybe, she is sick. Her husband and daughter regularly attend the mass to pray for her healing. They are drawing strength from God. They are keeping their faith despite a huge rock on their road.

At their back was a mother with his little child. The boy was walking back and forth their row. He even went to the aisle and ran there. The mom, pissed, carried the boy and sat him back to their pew. The boy cried and the mom looked even more pissed. Usually, I’d be pissed too because the mom could not manage her child; I would think, she should’ve not brought the child in the church.

But that day, I’d decided to put myself in the mom’s shoes instead. I was so tired. My child is a toddler, very active. He always wants to play, even late at night. I have a lot of things to do at home too. My husband is busy with his job, he couldn’t even help me take care of our son during weekends so I could properly do our laundry. And now, my son’s acting up again. I know I should have not brought him here but I have no one to leave him to while I hear mass. And I can’t pass the Holy Mass.

I smiled.

Then, I had noticed the guy beside me who was looking so annoyed with the noise the crying boy was creating. There were creases in his forehead. I’d also noticed that he had been glancing at his wristwatch over and over again. He was also annoyed that the priest was late, obviously. Instead of judging him, I tried picturing his situation in my mind, as well.

He may be a working student. At weekdays, he is at school doing his best to finish his studies. During weekends, he’s working to fund his studies and help with their expenses at home. His parents had been poor and their jobs do not help them get out of poverty and that’s why he’s working so hard. He wanted to finish his studies, work in a multinational company, and give his family a better life. He knows he needed guidance from above so he’s always attending the mass. However, he’ll be late if the priest does not come any minute now. And the little boy just makes his head ache even more; he wasn’t able to sleep early last night as he had to work overtime.

He caught me staring at him. I smiled. He glanced at his watch for the nth time.

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I’d realized then that each of us is going through some struggles in life and we all need one thing-kindness. We all need a smile from other people. We need an encouraging nod. We need warmth and compassion.

Why be kind? Why not? We don’t know how a simple act of kindness can change one’s life.

Why be kind? Because the world and the people greatly needed it.

Why be kind? Because you want others to be kind to you too. So… Be kind.

*This a creative non fiction, a story based on true-to-life scenarios.

On Being Ordinary

I’d always thought that I’m above average or a tiny bit extra-ordinary because that’s how people perceived me to be. I could still remember when I was in gradeschool, relatives were always asking me if I’m part of the Top 10 in our class. I wasn’t until grade 4 really but somewhat, I don’t get why they’d been thinking that I’m smart. Well, hey, come to think of it… They probably just didn’t have anything to ask me that’s why they kept on asking the same question over and over again. That makes sense.

Come high school and this is the time when it hit me. I’m not smart at all. My Math’s grades were line of 7 for two grading periods in 1st year and one in 2nd year. I couldn’t keep up with my classmates in first year so I was transferred to the lower section. Yup, I’m definitely just an average student. But then, I’ve excelled again. When I was in the lower section, I was always getting the high score. So, I was transferred back to the first section in third year.

But wait, maybe I just excelled because I was working harder during those times because I didn’t want to be in the lower section. And actually I wanted to prove to one of our professors back then that I’m worthy to be in the first section, that I’m smart too. Probably, it’s just the motivation that made me excel and not because I’m truly above average.

Come college. There’s an expectation in my part to do well because my uncle is a professor on our college and he is a good one (always Teacher of the Year, my friends). So, I strived to be a good student. I always have my homework, always following teachers’ orders, always reviewing before exams. I guess that’s why I but again appeared above average. It was just I was putting more sweat and blood than my classmates. Definitely.

I think no one’s really above average or below average, no one’s really special or extraordinary. We’re all just ordinary people. Some of us do more work than others; they’re more industrious or motivated. Some of us do less work; they’re undedicated and maybe, distracted. But at the end of the day, we’re equals. Yes?

My mistake was I thought I was in some ways above. And this thought brought me too much pain due to too much pride and pressure. It was an honest mistake. I’ve thought highly about myself and maybe that’s why I’m in my situation now. God’s probably teaching me to be humble. Yes, He, definitely, wanted to make me realize that I’m not the star of the show.

We’re all playing vital roles in the show. All roles are equal, although sometimes they seem not. So, no one has the right to feel more important or special. No one should act like a star.

No, you’re not any better.

Don’t think so highly of yourself. You are not any better than anyone. Even if you’re now successful and others not, that doesn’t mean you’re better. It only means that you have more. You have no rights to put down anyone. And the same goes for those who are unsuccessful. You have no rights to judge your successful peers and find the ugly in their lives. You’re no better to do that.

You are not better than anyone, even if the person you love loves you too. You’re just fortunate or blessed but you’re not better than someone who’s alone. And if you’re alone, you’re not any better with those couples who are shouting at each other during their endless arguments. You have no rights to butt in, whisper to others your unsolicited opinions. You’re no better, remember that.

No, you’re not better than me and I am not better than you. We’re equals, although ultimately diverse. I cannot judge you, you can’t judge me too. If I think I knew better, that’s exactly when I knew nothing at all. The same goes for you.

Compassion is what the world needs, not finding who’s better or who’s worse.