I am not in love.

They say I’m in love because of the way I bat my lash, the way my eyes spark, and the way I flash a smile. They say I’m in love for the way I talk’s sweet as choco pops, and the way I stare’s dreamy and soft. They say I’m in in love for my movement’s smooth and it’s like I’m always in a dance.

No, I am not in love.

If I’m in love, my eyes would have bags and not sparks. If I’m in love, my body would be too stiffed and always tensed. If I’m in love, there’ll be tears between my lash. If I’m in love, my smiles would be fake. If I’m in love, I don’t think I’d be able to even talk clearly.

Nope, there’s an absolute no way that I’m in love.

My heart would only beat fast after my cardio. I would not have the giggles, only frowns. My mind would think about million things per second and not only a single whoever every second. My phone’s filled with nothing but my photos. I am not stalking anybody in social media. I am not dreaming to be anybody, nor do I dream that I’m with somebody.

Then, do I wish to be in love?

If it would help with my stories, perhaps I would. If it would help with my loneliness, perhaps I would. If it won’t, no thank you. No, thank you.

She’s sad.

Her tears weren’t ready to fall.

But they did.

They fell…

And fell.

I’m tired. I’m tired of being sad. I feel empty. I want to talk to someone but I don’t know what to say. I don’t know how to express this sadness. I want to say something. I want to turn this sadness into a beautiful narrative but I cannot. I simply cannot…

I just hope after I finished crying, somehow, some ways, the sadness would decrease. I don’t want my tears to run out while my sadness lingers. No, I would never want that.

Dear You…

Be grateful. You have a lot of things to be thankful for. On top of the list is the life that God didn’t give you, but God made for you. Take time to reflect on these two’s difference. God didn’t simply give you life. God made you; God made your life only for you. It’s the greatest gift. Embrace it no matter how difficult it may seem at the moment. Always remember that it’s God’s creation and so, he’ll always be in control of it.

Let go. Learn to sort things out. Keep those which you needed and get rid of the ones you don’t. The latter does not need to occupy some important spaces which the former can actually make use of. You’re not meant to sail a still ocean. Life throws lemons; use the good ones and throw the rotten ones.

Love. Don’t be afraid to feel different emotions. Don’t be afraid to be happy just because sadness may come next. Don’t be afraid of sadness, of fear, and the other negative emotions. Don’t be afraid of them so that they won’t be able to control you. Most especially, don’t be afraid to fall in love. Don’t be afraid to give a part of yourself to other people. Don’t be afraid to love only because of the pain it may result. You’re born to love.

Be happy. They say happiness is a choice and that it is not meant to be chased. I believe in them. Every day, you can choose happiness. Even if you’re not feeling it, you can still choose it. There’s nothing wrong in that. You got to be optimistic for life’s never constant. Keep smiling and let your smile shine for others too who need happiness in their lives.

Hope. Never let hope leave your heart. Keep hope deep within and let it grow day by day. Hope for better tomorrows yet never fail to appreciate today. Hope for awesome opportunities but also try to knock certain doors that could lead to your dreams. Hope for a better you and strive. Hope and water your hope.

Cherish every moment. Lastly, always be present. Moments don’t last no matter how so badly you want them too. And so enjoy each moment, each company, each laughter, each tear. Enjoy life as it is moment per moment. Don’t let yourself have any regrets. Live…

Live God’s gift especially for you with a grateful heart, take every learning that you can take and forget about the bad things, never resist any emotion but never let any of them control you too, smile, dream big, and seize every day!

Sigh.

Sometimes, all you need is a sigh. A sigh.

A sigh to clear your mind. Our brain is one powerful organ. If it thinks you’re unwell, you’ll be. It works way, way hard at times that it could piss you out. Honestly, even if it works so hard all the time, we cannot say that it is productive all the time. Sometimes, it just processes stupid thoughts. Sadly, however, from those stupid thoughts are where negative feelings root. It’s a sad reality. So, sigh. Sigh as deep as you needed to clean your brain and remove the senseless web of thoughts.

Sometimes, all you need is a sigh. A sigh.

A sigh to release your anger. People can be cruel, even without their own consent. They expect you to be perfect, but are flawed in so many ways. They cling on you when they need something and burn the bridge when you’re the one who’s needy. They speak so harshly yet cry at your kind criticism. They always want to have fun but also always unwilling to wrap the fun. Sigh because they can be too much. Sigh instead of stabbing them in their backs. Sigh instead of hurting them back.

Sometimes, all you need is a sigh. A sigh.
Sigh at life’s bitchness. Life is the ultimate bitch. It will guide you into a nice boat while the current is still. After a few minutes of enjoying the ride, it’ll create rain, storm, roaring thunder. It’ll send giant waves on your way. It’ll put a hole on the once nice boat. Yes, you’re screwed but you got to keep living. Sigh and hold onto what’s remaining of the boat. “Hold on for dear life”.

Sometimes, all you need is a sigh. A sigh.

Sigh for you’re stubborn. Sigh for yourself because of yourself. We, ourselves, most of the time, are the actual reasons of our troubles. We make abrupt decisions that cause us a lot. And at certain times, we don’t make decisions but that too causes us a lot. We love the wrong people and hate on those who truly love us. We let fear stop us from doing the things we love. And when we’re overconfident, that very overconfidence helps us ruin ourselves. Sigh for your own stupidity and awful mistakes.

Sometimes, all you need is a sigh. A sigh.

*sigh*

Maybe, I’m crying.

Maybe, I’m sad. Maybe, the feeling of being alone gets to me right now. Maybe, I’m lonely right now. Maybe, I’m wishing to have friends… friends… friends who truly care. Maybe, I don’t need people who needed someone who’s willing to listen but is never willing to do the same. Maybe, I am tired of being a friend. Maybe, right now it’s me who badly needed one.

I’m tired. I’m tired of always being the one who must understand. I’m tired of being misunderstood, misheard, or ignored. I’m tired of being the girl in the background. I’m tired of having to do the most difficult job yet not having any credit at all. I’m tired of doing someone a favor. Can I… Can I be the one to ask a favor right now?

I’m deeply tired of loving people who don’t love me back. It’s tiring to extend my patience over and over again; to bend myself, my principles, my priorities for other people. I’m sick of being used over and over again. I’m sick and tired of caring too much… for people who do not deserve it. Can someone care about me too for once? Please?

It’s sad to have a glimmer of hope that simple die down in the end. It’s tiring to face disappointments over and over again, and pains… and pains that I’ve promised myself I’ll never feel again. But I did and honestly, they stink more and more, instead of being bearable, as time passes by.

Maybe, I’m just tired. Maybe, my life isn’t that bad. Maybe, I seriously need someone… someone who’s going to try his best to understand me, who’s going to go out of his way for me, who’s going to listen willingly, who’s going to care lovingly. Maybe… Is it all a may and a be? Probably.

Stressed or Anxious? (Part 1)

Ever since I’d begun this blog, I am hesitant in writing about this topic for the simple reason that while talking about it, I may feel it. Stress and anxiety were two of the not good things in life. Just the word anxiety makes me anxious tbh so let’s see how far I’ll go with this post. I’m hoping that it could be helpful still. Alright…

Since I’m scared of the word “anxiety”, I referred to myself as so stressed whenever I feel anxious. It’s almost the same anyway. Stress is one of the causes of anxiety. When you over think, you get stressed. When you get too stressed, you get anxious. Over thinking, I personally believe, is the main cause of anxiety. Other causes include physical condition, tension (which may also be caused by stress), fearful incidents, and genetics.

Anxiety can be felt mentally, physically, and both. When thoughts come in and in and in, and you feel like you’re losing control over them, that’s anxiety. When your heart’s palpitating with no reason and you feel an unexplainable tension, pain, or any physical sensation, that may also be anxiety. It’s different for everyone. But if you experience it, hey, you’re not alone. Also, don’t worry too much. There are ways on how you can cope with it. You’ll be well. Every episode shall pass.

I’m also hesitant to share this post because I worry that someone I personally know may read it and then, worry about me. Please don’t.

Anxiety, just like other illnesses, can be prevented through the following. A disclaimer though, I’m not an expert; these information were based from my experiences and the things I read.

  • Meditation

Meditation is a form of mind training. Its main purpose is to bring us back to the “now”. It trains the mind to focus in the moment and cut the train of thoughts that do not help us. The concept of meditation is not ignoring thoughts (no matter absurd); it’s about trying not to judge them so that we’ll be able to control them and not the other way around.

I used the mobile application “Calm” to meditate every night. This is basically how you meditate: (1) find a quiet place to sit down, (2) close your eyes and begin to breathe deeply in and out, (3) put all your focus on the flow of your breathing, (4) breathe normally and concentrate on your breathing for 5-10 minutes, (5) bring your focus back in the room you’re in, then (6) gently open your eyes.

  • Gratitude

Anxiety roots from negative thinking and so, to combat it, you need to be positive. I like another mobile app, “Bliss“. It’s an app that allows you to appreciate what you have to increase your happiness and improve the quality of your life. Another disclaimer, I’m not paid by any of these applications. I find them helpful so I’m sharing them with you.

Bliss has many options. You can list three things you’re thankful about daily or just write in a paragraph form the things and people you’re grateful about. You may also re-imagine a not so good situation and turn it into good. Each activity could really help us remove our focus on the things that are not working out, in our lives as well as our daily worries.

  • Rest

So simple yet not all of us does it. I’ve read that we experience anxiety episodes when our bodies were trying to tell us something. My body told me on the last day of 2015 that my blood glucose level is high through an anxiety episode. It’s not always that extreme though. Most of the time, we get anxious because our body needed rest.

We should acknowledge that we also have limitations. A machine will malfunction if used beyond its capability and so will a human body. When you’re tired, rest. You won’t stop, you will just take a break. You don’t have to sleep, you could just take a nap.

  • Pamper Yourself

Each of us needed relaxation. Each of us deserves pampering. Not all of us has the means to go to spas or massage therapists I know. But we definitely can still relax.

Here’s what I do when I pamper myself: (1) clean my nails and paint them, (2) light scented candles [strawberry and grapes] and massage my head, (3) put on face mask, (4) exfoliate my skin with milk salt, and sometimes (5) listen to ASMR through YouTube.

  • Express Yourself

Don’t hold onto your emotions and thoughts. Release them through different mediums. You could write them in your diary, blog about them, or talk to your friends or family about them. You could also indirectly release your stressors through drawing, painting, baking, singing, or any activity that works best for you.

Let it go! Let it go! Don’t hold it back anymore. (Let It Go from Frozen)

  • Yoga

Anyone can do yoga. Everyone should do yoga. Yoga is not only a great physical activity that can help us tone our body, it is also a form of mental training and relaxation. Yoga includes different poses; each focusing on one or more organs of our bodies. It also includes different breathing techniques that could help relieve stress and anxiety.

I do yoga with the help of the mobile apps “Yoga Monkey” and “Sworkit“, and  “Yoga with Adriene”  on YouTube.

  • Workout

There are different workouts that help us become fitter. Aside from their benefits for our body, it also has positive benefits for our thoughts and emotions. Working out may help us clear our mind and whenever we work out, we release endorphins (also referred as “happy hormones”).

I know we tend to be really busy with our daily lives and sometimes we no longer have the energy to workout after a day of work. We can always start small like 5 minutes of warm-up cardio before we head onto the shower every morning. The app “Sworkit” helped me plan my workout routines for every week.

  • Seek God

To me, knowing that there’s someone out there gives me hope and security. I trust that He will always save me from my troubles. I read Bible daily and other devotional books. I also pray all the time.

That’s all for this part. On part 2, I’ll share with you the things we can do when we’re having our visitors.

I want to end this post with my current favorite quote.

*Hey guys, if you are going to comment, please be very careful as I am pretty sensitive. I’d like to be of help by sharing to you the knowledge that I have acquired. For now, that’s all the help I could offer.

This is Me.

Warning: If you cannot handle too much negativity then stop reading.

I hate myself. There’s a reason why. I hate my personality but I couldn’t just change. This is me. How can I change myself?

1. Too sensitive.

As a child, I’ve always been sensitive. Relatives are always saying that too but even though they know that fact about me, it didn’t stop them to provoke my emotions. I still remember those times when they used to make me cry. It’s always about me being fat. They made me fun of me even though they know that I am very sensitive.

Nobody told me that I’m going to have a hard time being a sensitive adult. Nobody taught me how to be less sensitive. Instead, they helped me be more and more sensitive.

Since then, I make a big deal of everything. I get sad, extremely sad, over things I shouldn’t be sad about. I am temperamental. My emotions are intense. I find it so, so difficult to tame them.

2. Prideful and Stubborn

I don’t know where I got this pride taller than the Everest. But I have it. I always believe that I’m superior.

I’ve been stubborn about basically everything. When I don’t want to do something, by all means, you won’t be able to convince me to do it. When I don’t want something, I don’t want it period.

I’ve always been a drama queen when with my family. If they did something I didn’t like, I’ll show them I’m pissed. Nobody told me that it isn’t cute and it’s in fact very disrespectful.

3. Selfish

I don’t find it easy to give something to someone. I need a reason, a valid one, as to why he deserves it.

I always think about myself first. That’s why I don’t do something I don’t want to do even if it would benefit other people.

4. Loner

I can’t keep up with social activities. I’ve always been a loner. Instead of playing outside as a child, I prefer to stay inside the house and read my schoolbooks. I have so few friends. I can count them in one hand.

I don’t know how to talk to people. I don’t know how to express myself. No one ever told me it’s important. No one told me that I will need people. No one told me that it is depressing to always be alone.

5. Coward

I don’t face problems. I run from them. I am a quitter. I always find the ugly in situation and then find a way to escape it. Brevity is the last thing that I have.

I escape. I always escape. Nobody told me that it’s the wrong way to do it. Nobody told me that you don’t really solve a problem by escaping but rather, you’ll only lengthening the agony.

6. Pretender

I don’t know how to express myself so I’ll just pretend that I’m okay. I always choose the easy way out of everything.

I don’t want people to judge me so I just pretend that I got this. Fake it ’til you make it, right?

The only reason why I love myself is because God created me and he loves me so deeply. I gain comfort in that. I wake up everyday with a little hope that God’s love for me will make everything honestly okay. My love for myself and for God is what’s keeping me happy.

You, you got to love yourself too. You only got you and God. Love Him. Love You.