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I know something has changed

I had learned to forgive myself

I had learned to fogive people

I had learned to forgive my fate.

I’m hoping other things will change too

And maybe my life would be better

And maybe I could be someone’s joy

And maybe I would be happy.

It’s not like I’m unhappy

It is like I’m incomplete

There’s a lot that I’m lacking

One by one, I want to fill my emptiness.

It is not like I’m fully empty

I’m grateful for what I have

I don’t desire more but I need more

And it’s not only out of selfishness.

24 New (and not-so-new) Habits

As I’ve mentioned in my post, Decluttering, I’ll be turning 24 next month (specifically on the 7th). I want to improve myself and my life now that I’m becoming a fully bloomed adult. I want to be proud of myself and inspire others too. For me, that’s my main goal in life – to be of inspiration in any positive way.

To achieve my goal, I’ve decided to pledge to observe 24 new and not-so-new good habits. This is also my way of becoming aware of the things that I do wrong and then ultimately stop myself from doing them.

I want to share to you these 24 habits. You can borrow some or you can also create your very own established habits. I think the last one is the most important of all.

1. Be Less Digital

I will be honest, every single day, I’m in my phone the most. And I’m pretty sure I’m not alone. I’m pretty sure there are a lot of us who prioritize social media. It’s like missing out on a news about our idol or about the person we care about is the greatest sin of life. In my case, it’s getting out of hand. All I want to do is be on social media all-day everyday. It’s such a bad habit.

From now on, I will only go on social media whenever I’m in my desk. I will also try my best to not be on my desk all-day everyday. This is only the first step.

2. Stop being lazy for myself.

I take a bath twice daily since I’m living in the hot and humid Philippines. But I know, that’s not enough self-care. I really get lazy to put on mask, to clean my nails, and the likes. This time, I’d be more industrious and willing to be more physically pleasing. I will tend to my nails once every two days and I will do mask twice a week. I’ll do other hygiene tasks more often.

3. Eat clean.

No more junk food. No more fast food. I’ll eat more vegetables. I will stay away from fatty and salty food. I will also drink lots and lots of water daily.

4. Be fit and physically confident.

I will workout even if I don’t feel like it. I’ll get back to my morning walks. My body clock has quite been messed up for a couple of weeks and so I wasn’t able to get up early. I’ve forgotten the day I last did a morning walk. But, I’ll get back to it. I really would.

I will make my body stronger through strength training and yoga and then, I’m certain that I could be confident with it. I will also be able to maintain my blood sugar at normal level.

5. Stop making excuses.

For the longest time, I’m not making any progress in my life due to excuses that I’m making up. I always say I can’t because of this and because of that. This time, no more excuses. I will be a doer now.

6. Stop complaining.

I don’t know why but I always find time and reasons to complain. I complain about my life the most and complaining does not benefit me. So, I would stop. I will also stop comparing my life to others’.

7. Use my time efficiently.

I will find new things to do that will make me more productive. I need to find something that I will enjoy so that whenever I feel bored, I will not resort to using my phone. Hopefully, I could find something profitable.

8. Read more.

I really want to gain more knowledge about anything, but mostly those I could use practically. I also want to enter new worlds and meet new awesome people by reading fictional stories.

9. Write more.

Well… 🙂 I also want to create new worlds and new people.

10. Listen more.

This is another way for me to obtain useful information. I also want to understand other people better. And maybe, just maybe, by listening more to other people, I’d be able to understand myself better. Listening, I know, is also a way of doing someone a favor. Let’s admit it, we are all longing for a person who’s willing to listen to us.

11. Talk more.

Since I am an introvert, I tend to be really quiet. This is why people label me as weird and why they cannot understand my personality. I need to talk more. I need to adjust to them so that we can understand each other. I need to do this for myself. I need to learn how to express myself, how to translate my thoughts and emotions into spoken words. I need to finally speak up.

12. Be more open.

Another strong characteristic that I have is being sensitive. It hinders me from growing because I tend to close my ears than listen to criticisms. Let’s be honest, some criticisms are important. They’re our push to improve. I will now be more open to hear out what people have to say about me and think about them rationally.

13. Say “yes” more.

I will also become more open to opportunities. I will explore the world. I will explore my potentials. I will be willing to try on new things. I will no longer let myself regret not doing this and not doing that.

14. Be more myself.

Most people who know me think I’m serious. I’m really not. Although I’m quite temperamental, I also have a goofy side. I believe I can also pull of a good sense of humor. I can be a little cray in public doing unexpected things for fun. People see me as a complicated person but I’m just really a simple human being. I get happy over the simplest things and get sad over the silliest things. I’m just like everybody else. 

15. Take care of my inner self.

I will continue my habit of meditating daily and doing yoga. I will also pamper myself every once in a while for utmost relaxation. I will also attend to my inner child by playing with my nephews and cousins, by watching cartoons, and many other ways.

16. Always be joyful and thankful.

A grateful heart is a happy heart. Instead of focusing on the things that I don’t have, I will always put in mind how fortunate I am for having everything that I have. Everyday, I will take time to thank God.

17. Be thoughtfully honest.

I am honest, sometimes too painfully honest that I already hurt other people. It’s time I change my ways. I’ll find the right words to say before ending up saying the wrong words. I will always consider other’s feelings. I now realize that it’s not enough to be logical, we also need to be compassionate. We cannot straighten a mistake with another mistake. And the reality is, people will only appreciate honesty if it’s kind.

18. Be optimistic.

Despite being an idealist, I admit I’m extremely pessimistic. I worry about the silliest things and did it help me? Absolutely not. From now on, I’d be more positive. I’ll let myself think more of the positive results of whatever that I want to do and be excited about it than of the negative results and just be discouraged.

19. Help more.

Whenever I can, I’ll extend my hand to anyone who’s in need. I’ll make it a part of my nature to help. And I will help without asking for any repayment.

20. Be kinder.

I feel like we all need kindness. Since we’re all going through some tough times in our lives, an act of kindness these days is much appreciated. I will smile to strangers more. I will be more polite and respectful.

21. Be more patient.

I know I need more patience in dealing with difficult people and difficult situations. I also need the longest patience to wait for my destiny to unfold before me.

22. Spread more love.

The world needs more love. We need more love. I want to share more of the amazing love God has for all of us. I also want others, especially those who feel alone, to feel that they are loved. We all are loved.

23. Love more.

I’m scared to love because I’m scared of pain. But maybe if I love, if I only love without expecting anything in return, there’ll be no more pain. I’ll love more without any inhibitions, I believe all of us should.

24. Be committed.

This is the most important because if I’m not committed, I won’t do all the other 23 habits and I wouldn’t be able to reach my many dreams. 🙂

Decluttering

Today, I’ve decided to declutter my room and finally throw away the things that no longer serve me. I own a lot of school supplies and things that you usually display. Some of them were gifts. I was really hesitant to throw away those which are gifted to me in respect to the giver, but they’re the things I don’t really need. So, I’ve decided today is the day that I let them go to create more space in my room.

I also cleaned my closet and removed all the clothes that I no longer wear. Most I will throw because they are really old but I left some to act as rags. The rest, I’ll give away to my relatives who want them.

This process, for me, of decluttering is therapeutic because it’s such a concrete demonstration of our abilities to let go of anything that we no longer need in our lives. Two words – we can. It may be difficult especially if the things do have sentimental value for us wherein we remember something special whenever we see them. But that’s actually what the process is. It requires the strength to let go no matter difficult.

Next month, I will reach the age of 24. Pretty old, huh? And I want it to be a turning point in my life. I want it to be the age when finally, I break out of my comfort zone and find where my heart is, and then follow it without thinking twice. Before my birthday, I want to prepare. I want to be prepared. I want to gain the strength, as well as the serenity. I want to be at peace with myself, with my past, with everything that is in my life.

I hope I could be mature enough, yet still very childish. I’ll only age but I won’t ever let go of my inner child and its ability to be happy over the simplest, the littlest things of life.

I know a lot of things may happen and plans may change. But, whatever clutter may come in our lives, I hope we can always find the strength and the ability to declutter… to simply let go without thinking too much and without hesitations… to create new lovely spaces for even lovelier things… and, and to love ourselves more, our lives more, our space – our space – like we have never loved it before.

My Pride, My Greatest Enemy

I know I’m not at my best these days. I am extremely moody due to hormonal imbalance, I believe. I currently have my period. But, aside from that I know that my pride’s also butting in. My pride contributes most to me being cranky. I’m writing this now for I’m acknowledging my need to change.

People, lots of people annoy me. They annoy me with every little uneccessary or unkind thing they do and say. In my mind, they’re at fault. They make my head ache, my mood foul, and myself not generally well. Because of that, I speak unkind words to them or about them. Because of that, I think badly of them. Because of that, I hurt them. And when I realize that I became disrespectful and actually have hurt someone’s feelings, guilt eats me up.

Now, I’m coming to realize that it’s not really about these other people. It is about me. I should stop expecting them to be no flaws. I should start accepting them for what they are. If what they’re doing are no longer right, I should talk to them using only kind words. Hating them and hurting them would only hurt me too. Hating them and hurting them would not result into something good.

I should, before anything else, give my pride up. What people do hurt me because of it. If I give it up, I would be more kind, patient, and understanding. Most of all, I would no longer have guilty feelings for I would no longer hate and hurt someone. Every day would be a good day then. And, I would start to get along with everyone.

I will do all of these for myself. In the process, I hope I could inspire others too to create positive environment and relationship with everybody. 🙂

By the way, to all the mothers out there, HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY! You all are awesome!

Accept Yourself

I knew that it is extremely important to love yourself and forgive yourself for all your mistakes. I hadn’t realized that it is also of utmost importance to accept yourself, first actually before you do the other two.

I’ve always been shy. I lack self-confidence and so, I don’t know how to carry myself. I don’t know how to talk people. I have no idea how I can make friends. I just realized that it’s not really because people don’t like me. It is mainly because I don’t like myself and then I just assumed that everyone doesn’t too. Sad, right? I’ve been too hard on myself. I deprived myself of happiness, of joy.

Yes, we all need to strive to be better persons but vitally I believe, we have to learn to accept ourselves first as we are. We have to accept our weaknesses, and not just be proud of our strengths. We have to accept that we’ve failed, and not just proudly accept our recognitions and accomplishments. We have to accept that we could do others wrong, just like how they could do the same to us. We have to truly accept that we are way, way, way… far from the word “perfect”.

It’s difficult, I should know, to accept your flaws. It’s difficult to accept that your body is not as fit as how you wanted it to be, no matter how huge the effort you allot for it. It’s difficult to accept that your eyes are not as big or not as small, your nose is not as pointed, your lips is not as thin or as thick, your face is not shaped… as you wanted. We’ll always have fantastic visions in our mind of what could have been, not only on our physicality, but then again, there are simply things that we cannot change. And even if we can change them, we have to accept them first.

Even the life’s most excruciating experience demands acceptance, for what else would it demand other than that? And so do you… And so everyone of us. If you love someone but not accept them fully, could you really call it love? If you forgive someone for the wrong they did to you but don’t accept them, could you really call it forgiveness?

Maybe, just like me, you’re struggling with your life right now. And maybe, just like me, you very much needed self-acceptance. I know the process will not be easy and it may take a while but I also know-and believe with all my heart-that it will be worth it.

I am not fat.

I’m so tired of being called “fat”.

I’ve been fat my whole life and I’ve been teased about it since I could remember. It wasn’t cool, you know? It wasn’t cool to be defined by the weight of your body. Although saddened and extremely pissed at my detractors, I never really did anything about it until I got a problem in my stomach. It was back in high school. My doctor then prescribed me some suplements to help my digestive system digests the food I take in quickly.

Apart from those tablets that I used to take every after meals, I also had some sort of a chocolate shake (it may be a protein shake) which supposedly replace one of my meals every day, ideally dinner. However, I didn’t have any control over my mouth. Especially when our dinner’s just so yummy, who am I to resist? Right?

It’s also super difficult to go on a diet when your entire family loves to eat. Where’s your support, family? So… To conclude my attempt to weight loss, I simply fail miserably. I didn’t really lose any weight. My stomach got well though so… so…

And then here comes the tear-jerking part. I got diabetes. (Cries) No more sweets! No more excessive/binge eating! Control! Control! Control! Hello, nausea, headaches, body pain, energy gap, anxiety, and depression (I won’t go into details on this one, this’ll be on another blog post).

So… My doctor advised me to excercise. My blood was thick due to excessive glucose so I needed to move my body, shake it, and of course watch what I eat to make it normal-or at least close to normal. I did as I was told. I wanted to get well. I hate being sick for I believe when you’re sick, you don’t enjoy life best (which is not really the case).

So… I worked out. Cardio became my best friend. Since I was only a beginner in exercise, I only do 5-10 minutes of cardio with the help of a mobile app. That’s aside from walking every morning for 30 minutes more or less. I was too afraid during those days, tbh, to eat anything. I was clueless (I still am actually) on the food that I could eat. I was afraid all the food in the table would cause a rise in my blood sugar so I only take small portions. I was probably nauseous then because of nutrient deficiency as well.

My weight after a few months had significantly decreased. I think I lost 10 pounds in the first two to three months. That was a lot, isn’t it? My blood sugar also went back to normal, thank goodness!

However… However! I kept on falling after six months. My average blood sugar for four months is above normal, which isn’t good. I was eating food that I knew I wasn’t supposed to. I no longer walk everyday. I don’t workout everyday. I eat a lot again. I don’t lose any more weight.

Sometimes, I get confused with my body. I haven’t still memorized it and the signs it’s giving me. When I’m feeling unwell say for instance, I’m not sure if it’s because my blood sugar is high or low or it’s due to stress. But because I’m diabetic, it’s probably the first option.

Right now, I very really want to get back on track. I want to live life to the fullest and I don’t want family to worry. I also no longer want to be called “fat”. I am not fat! OK, I may still be fat but that won’t be forever.

My goal is to be fitter and most of all, healthier. It’s not going to be easy, that’s no brainer but I’ve already done it before. I would be strong enough to do it again. My journey to being “not fat” has begun.

Take Time to Heal

It’s hard to be strong all the time. It’s harder to feign being strong all the time.

If you think it’s wrong to be weak. You’re wrong. It’s normal. Life is hard; it is a total bitch sometimes. It’s reasonable to be tired, to be sick of it, to be depressed about it, to be frightened by it, to be mad about it. Surrendering to your weakness does not mean you will surrender to it forever. It only means that you’ve been strong long enough. It is okay to give yourself a break.

It’s much, much better to acknowledge that you’re weak and then heal yourself than pretend that you’re strong and you can do everything and then wear yourself out in the process until you collapse or explode.

If you are not well right now, acknowledge it. Admiting to yourself that you have weakness is the first vital step in healing. Then, take time-all the time you need to heal.

Give yourself the serenity to find peace. You could find it on activities that you used to do but lost the time to do them, or on people who you used to talk to but you became too busy to reach out to them, or at places that you’ve been before or not, or on things that you love and enjoy.

In order to heal, you don’t have to pause your life. You don’t have to stop attending your classes or resign from your job. You just need to slow down

S    l    o    w       d    o     w     n   .  .   .

Be more present. Consider if the things you do or you allot your time to still serve you. Are the things you do really important or are they already destructive to you?

Take time to evaluate your life. Maybe you need to change something, maybe you need to change everything. Think more of the now, instead of the then or the next.

You can do it. You can heal at your own time. Want it though. Have the desire in your heart to truly heal.

Then after you’ve been healed, be an inspiration to others who need healing. 🙂

A good day to you!