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Maybe my heart’s cold

Beginning to turn into ice

My emotions start to freeze

I gain a few edges.

It’s tiresome to love, to stay in love

It’s emptying to keep on giving

My heart’s tired

And so please just allow me to stop holding on to you.

Profound Goal

I’ll tell you a secret. I am actually quite ambitious. But at the same time, I am also very passive. I am a true Gemini.

Today, I caught one of my college friends looking at wedding invitations on Facebook. I think she’s planning on getting married. It hits me that moment, it hits me in the head and gives me a wakeup call. Hello, Kriz, you’re old now. Be an adult.

I turned 24 last June 7. Yes, I’m pretty old. I remember in college, my sociology professor asked me what my ideal age is to become a mom. I answered her, 27. Woopsy, I only have 3 years. Where will I find an ideal father? Lol. Goofing aside, my goal isn’t that.

I have this profound goal to be someone people want to be like. I want to be an inspiration and that’s the main reason why I want to be successful. If you’ve read my previous blog posts, you know that I care less about success compared to happiness. But right now, I have this objective to be successful in order to reach my goal of being a role model especially to young adults.

My goal, I very much know, is too profound. It isn’t concrete and it would take a lot, a lot of effort and hardwork and courage to reach it. Considering my current situation, it seems to be an impossible goal. But hey, isn’t it they say if you set your mind on one thing and really have the desire to get it, you would?

One thing’s for sure, I’ll be taking my time getting there. I wouldn’t rush the process so that it will be worth it in the end. I’ll start by believing in myself. 🙂

Why can’t you leave him?

Behind a sweet photograph lurks a bitter reality

He holds your hand, his grip’s too tight

He kisses your lips, smearing blood on it

He caresses your hair, some wrap around his fingers.

Leave him, why can‘t you?

You cry at night as he tastes his new lover

You build a new hope, he crushes it the next day

He comes back and then tries to leave

You tie him up and give him you.

Leave him, why can’t you?

It isn’t love.

It is suicide.

My Country’s 119th Independence Day

The Philippine’s 119th Independence Day was celebrated with tears. For this year, unfortunately, we cannot say that the Philippines is fully independent as war still goes on in Marawi City. A lot of lives had been sacrificed. Filipino people shout enough!

My heart shatters as I watch the news. The locals in Marawi were crying in the raising of the Philippine flag this morning. Right then, there were no religion. They were united. They were all Filipinos. They all strongly desire to see the last of the war and to have their normal, peaceful lives back.

My heart goes out to everyone who has lost their loved ones. I was touched by the pride families of decreased soldiers and policemen gained in the midst of this tragedy. I’m certain that they’ll be carrying that pride for the rest of their lives. Salute to all 58 soldiers and policemen who dedicated their lives for the country! They died carrying a great honor. I also pray that the deceased civilians will gain peace and I’ll pray the same for their families.

In this trying moment, especially to people in Mindanao, I’ll be praying that God will give all Filipinos hope, hope so great it will ease the pains and anxieties. May all wounded hearts be healed. May all wounded souls be restored. Be strong, Marawi. Be strong, Filipinos. Be strong, our beloved Philippines.

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I know something has changed

I had learned to forgive myself

I had learned to fogive people

I had learned to forgive my fate.

I’m hoping other things will change too

And maybe my life would be better

And maybe I could be someone’s joy

And maybe I would be happy.

It’s not like I’m unhappy

It is like I’m incomplete

There’s a lot that I’m lacking

One by one, I want to fill my emptiness.

It is not like I’m fully empty

I’m grateful for what I have

I don’t desire more but I need more

And it’s not only out of selfishness.

What I Think You Should Know About Me

I don’t like being misunderstood. I cannot stand it when people think they know me when they really don’t. I am different. I don’t act and think the way most people would. I am a mediator and if you would search my personality type, you’d see that I am part of the minority, the minority that the majority always fails to understand.

If you’re here from my Facebook profile then welcome to a piece of my mind. It’s true, I am weird. But definitely not in a negative way. I am weird only because I don’t like what most people would like. I also don’t know how to mingle. It’s just not a skill that I’ve learned in the past.

Yes, I am a quiet person. It’s not because I don’t like the people around me. It’s only because I’m shy and I don’t know what to say or respond so I often just smile. When I’m comfortable with you yet choose to be quiet, it may only mean I’m not in the mood to talk. I am an introvert. I get easily tired conversing with people. I am never comfortable talking with a large group.

I hate it when people mistake themselves as introverts. Being an introvert does not only mean you like reading or you like staying at home or you tend to stay quiet. Being an introvert means you’re always going to be nervous with crowds and you’ll choose to stay at home to prevent embarrassing yourself due to your inborn awkwardness. I’ll never say I am an extrovert. Don’t tell me you’re an introvert just because of that one time you chose to sleep in instead of attending a friend’s party.

Yes, I am sensitive. I am sensitive not only for myself. I am sensitive for other people too especially my family. If you have anything bad to say or do to any member of my family, say or do it to me instead. I cry a lot. I cry over the silliest things. I cry the most when I’m frustrated. I get frustrated a lot.

I am prideful. It’s not easy for me to go on everyday with my current status. I am full of pride and that’s the reason why I am not growing. To tell you the truth, I don’t know how to make a request. I would just let myself die in thirst than ask for a glass of water.

I am not a bad person but I’m not also a good person. I think I’m a so-so. I gossip too and think badly of others. But, I never fight with anyone. I never argued not confronted anybody. You can say, I’m pretty much a doormat. I let other people step on me. I self-pity a lot. Hey, I am not perfect. I also compare myself and my life with others. I also get envy. I also think that I deserve more than I have at times.

I am a complicated person. This why it takes a lot of energy to express myself without getting misunderstood. It’s also the reason why sometimes I choose to be silent, rather than explain my complicated self. I think a lot. I think more than I speak. I think about so many things. I worry about so many things.

I get sad easily. One simple thing can turn a good day into bad. I am a Gemini so I believe it’s to be expected that I get moody. I cry now and laugh later, be affectionate now and cold later, talk to you now and snob you later. Sorry, it seems like the more I explain myself, the more I become confusing.

I believe in God. This is one thing people who personally know me does not know about me. I talk to God a lot. I am a Catholic and I go to church every Sunday. I read Bible. I hope I could say that I’m truly close to God.

I am pretty much a laid-back person. I don’t think we’re born to succeed. I think happiness is what’s most important in this world. It’s not important how we enjoy our lives. What’s important is that we do enjoy our lives. I was materialistic before. I wanted a library. I wanted a makeup room. Now, I only want what I need. I need people most and love.

I’d like to believe that I am creative. I am not born to fix systems, calculate material costs, design new insentives, or do millions of time study. I believe I am born to create an art, a masterpiece that would carry my mark infinitely. I am a dreamer, an idealist. Look it up if you want. 🙂 I like smiling. Whether there’s a reason to or not, smiling is good.

I am both fearless and fearful. What’s there to lose? I don’t know so I don’t think I should be fearful. Yet, I am. I am rebellious. Whenever I’m pissed, I like doing what people don’t want me to do. When I’m pissed, I like pissing others too. I can go all out when I’m pissed. I’m scary. You would want to stay out of my line.

I am an irony. I guess I like it better when people see me as a mystery. I don’t want to be known. But look what I’ve been doing. I tend to kick people out of my life. Hang on. If you want to be close to me, please endure my resistance for a little while. I like it when people still pursue me even though I’m pushing them away. Or must I say, I would like it.

I am not sure if this helps you understand me or it just made you more confused about me. If it’s the former, good then. If the latter applies more, still good then. I never wanted to attach myself to people who do not deserved me. As they say, if you cannot stand a person at their worst, then you don’t deserve them at their best.

Oh, umiiyak ka na naman.

‘Yong totoo, nagiging hobby mo na ang pag-iyak, ah. Kailangan ba araw-araw? Mamaya niyan manuyo na yang mata mo. Mamaya niyan maubusan ka na ng luha. Tama na… Tahan na. Ha?

Oo, alam ko naman e. Matigas ang ulo mo. Kapag sinabihan kang tahan na, lalo kang iiyak kahit pa alam nating lahat na hindi naman niyan masosolusyunan ang lahat, lahat ng pinagdadaanan mo.

Lahat naman ng tao may pinagdadaanan, may pasan-pasan na bagahe, iba-iba nga lang ang bigat. Iba-iba rin naman tayo ng lakas. Gaya lang ‘yan ng pagwo-workout e. Kailangan mong magbuhat ng weights para lumakas ka. Kailangan nating dumaan sa mga pagsubok para tumibay tayo. Parte ‘yan ng buhay. Kasama ‘yan sa paghubog natin sa ating pagkatao.

Alam ko naman hindi talaga mabait ang buhay sa ‘yo. Alam ko naman na kaiyak-iyak naman talaga ‘yong mga nangyayari sa buhay mo. Ang akin lang, magpakatatag ka. Huwag mong idaan lagi sa iyak. Walang masama sa pag-iyak pero subukan mo ring mag-isip at gumawa ng solusyon.

Kaya punasan mo na ‘yang mga luha mo. Huwag ka nang maghintay pa na may taong dumating para magpunas niyan at magpatahan sa ‘yo. Alagaan mo ang sarili mo, pero huwag kang liliko kapag may nakita kang harang sa daan mo. Kapag umulan ba, hindi ka na lalabas kahit kailangan? Para saan pa ang payong, hindi ba? Be strong for yourself.