I am not fat.

I’m so tired of being called “fat”.

I’ve been fat my whole life and I’ve been teased about it since I could remember. It wasn’t cool, you know? It wasn’t cool to be defined by the weight of your body. Although saddened and extremely pissed at my detractors, I never really did anything about it until I got a problem in my stomach. It was back in high school. My doctor then prescribed me some suplements to help my digestive system digests the food I take in quickly.

Apart from those tablets that I used to take every after meals, I also had some sort of a chocolate shake (it may be a protein shake) which supposedly replace one of my meals every day, ideally dinner. However, I didn’t have any control over my mouth. Especially when our dinner’s just so yummy, who am I to resist? Right?

It’s also super difficult to go on a diet when your entire family loves to eat. Where’s your support, family? So… To conclude my attempt to weight loss, I simply fail miserably. I didn’t really lose any weight. My stomach got well though so… so…

And then here comes the tear-jerking part. I got diabetes. (Cries) No more sweets! No more excessive/binge eating! Control! Control! Control! Hello, nausea, headaches, body pain, energy gap, anxiety, and depression (I won’t go into details on this one, this’ll be on another blog post).

So… My doctor advised me to excercise. My blood was thick due to excessive glucose so I needed to move my body, shake it, and of course watch what I eat to make it normal-or at least close to normal. I did as I was told. I wanted to get well. I hate being sick for I believe when you’re sick, you don’t enjoy life best (which is not really the case).

So… I worked out. Cardio became my best friend. Since I was only a beginner in exercise, I only do 5-10 minutes of cardio with the help of a mobile app. That’s aside from walking every morning for 30 minutes more or less. I was too afraid during those days, tbh, to eat anything. I was clueless (I still am actually) on the food that I could eat. I was afraid all the food in the table would cause a rise in my blood sugar so I only take small portions. I was probably nauseous then because of nutrient deficiency as well.

My weight after a few months had significantly decreased. I think I lost 10 pounds in the first two to three months. That was a lot, isn’t it? My blood sugar also went back to normal, thank goodness!

However… However! I kept on falling after six months. My average blood sugar for four months is above normal, which isn’t good. I was eating food that I knew I wasn’t supposed to. I no longer walk everyday. I don’t workout everyday. I eat a lot again. I don’t lose any more weight.

Sometimes, I get confused with my body. I haven’t still memorized it and the signs it’s giving me. When I’m feeling unwell say for instance, I’m not sure if it’s because my blood sugar is high or low or it’s due to stress. But because I’m diabetic, it’s probably the first option.

Right now, I very really want to get back on track. I want to live life to the fullest and I don’t want family to worry. I also no longer want to be called “fat”. I am not fat! OK, I may still be fat but that won’t be forever.

My goal is to be fitter and most of all, healthier. It’s not going to be easy, that’s no brainer but I’ve already done it before. I would be strong enough to do it again. My journey to being “not fat” has begun.

What is Contentment?

While we were helping our mom make banduria bags, I told my sister, “This is it. This is our life from now on. This is what we’ll be doing. This is it.” I wasn’t sure if I was only joking.

Three years… I’ve been out of school for three years. From when I was 4 years old until I was 20 years old, my life was school. I spent my time out of school doing things for school. It was all academical. I had a goal and that was to finish school. I didn’t realize that I had to make another one before I achieved that goal or else, I’ll be lost. Lost…

I’ve been lost for three years. I didn’t know what to do with my life. It was a shame that I never took my parents seriously when they were asking what my plans are after I graduated. I just thought I’ll go with the flow. The thing is I lost the “flow”. Lost…

“Lost” is not a good word. It means you don’t know where to go next and you’re confused. But when I told my sister that day that, “This is it.” Somehow, I felt found. Somehow, I got to touch the tip of the word “contentment”.

I am a graduate of BS Industrial Engineering. All my college classmates are employed. Most of them work in a manufacturing setting while a few chose to be in the academe. There were also some who chose to leave the country for probably better career opportunity abroad. And then there’s me, a home person who helps her mom make banduria bags. No, no, no, I snapped. This is not what contentment is. “Comparison” is not in “contentment”, albeit both start with “co”.

Contentment… It’s a nice word, isn’t it? Beside it, you’ll find happiness, joy, bliss, love, peace, and gratitude. Oh, what lovely set of words!

I haven’t fully grabbed the word yet but at least, I could touch some parts of it as of the moment. “Acceptance” definitely has something to do with it. I’m accepting my fate. Success is not always important anyway. It’s not the icing of the cake; I believe contentment is. Then, happiness comes when you taste it. Hmm…

That’s all from me for now. 🙂

Contentment is not the fulfillment of what you want, but the realization of what you already have.

Torn

I want to write.

I think I’m an output-driven person. I really want to write because I want to add a post to this blog. I want it to be productive. I want to read another post written by myself.

But I don’t want to write.

Writing makes me think. Thinking leads to overthinking. I tend to overthink A LOT. Overthinking leads to nonsense worries and anxieties. I hate the feeling of being fearful of the unsure, of the future.

Still, I want to write.

Writing keeps me alive. Writing gives me a certain drive, close to adrenaline. It excites me. It brings colors to my life. It’s something different. I’m proud that I can write. Not everyone could or has the interest in writing.

I don’t really want to write.

It’s at times exhausting to put yourself out there, to use specific words to briefly or accurately sketch your thoughts and your emotions. It could also be extremely frustrating when you cannot find the perfect way to express yourself and what you’d like to share. It is kind of sad when nobody takes what you’ve willingly given.

I want to write.

In the end, I’ve written something. Though still torn, I produced something.

Although not that skilled, I’d like to still call myself a writer. I’m a writer who writes whenever she wants to, whenever she doesn’t want to, and whenever she’s torn between writing and not writing. 🙂

May magagawa ka pa ba?

Isa ito sa mga life lessons na simple lang ang concept pero honestly, mahirap i-apply pero kaya naman. Kaya naman kaya dapat subukan. Dapat pag-aralan. Dapat pag-practice-san hanggang makasanayan. Kapag nasanay na tayo, naniniwala ako magiging malaking tulong ito para sa atin.

Ano ang tinutukoy ko?

Ito. Sa t’wing nai-stress tayo, itanong natin sa mga sarili natin ang sanhi ng pagka-stress natin. Pagkatapos, isunod naman natin ang tanong na “May magagawa pa ba ako?”

Kung ang sagot ay meron naman, edi gawin natin. Kung ang sagot naman ay wala na, edi i-let go na natin. May mga bagay kasi talagang hindi natin maaaring pakialaman o kontrolin. Gano’n lang talaga.

Huwag nating hayaang ma-stress tayo sa mga bagay na wala na naman tayong magagawa. Huwag din nating hayaang ma-stress pa tayo sa mga problemang kayang-kaya naman pala nating solusyunan.

Ang stress kasi nakakapagod. Sa stress, p’wede kang magkasakit. Buti na lang ang stress p’wedeng agapan sa pamamagitan ng tamang mindset. So ano, may magagawa ka pa ba?

Take Time to Heal

It’s hard to be strong all the time. It’s harder to feign being strong all the time.

If you think it’s wrong to be weak. You’re wrong. It’s normal. Life is hard; it is a total bitch sometimes. It’s reasonable to be tired, to be sick of it, to be depressed about it, to be frightened by it, to be mad about it. Surrendering to your weakness does not mean you will surrender to it forever. It only means that you’ve been strong long enough. It is okay to give yourself a break.

It’s much, much better to acknowledge that you’re weak and then heal yourself than pretend that you’re strong and you can do everything and then wear yourself out in the process until you collapse or explode.

If you are not well right now, acknowledge it. Admiting to yourself that you have weakness is the first vital step in healing. Then, take time-all the time you need to heal.

Give yourself the serenity to find peace. You could find it on activities that you used to do but lost the time to do them, or on people who you used to talk to but you became too busy to reach out to them, or at places that you’ve been before or not, or on things that you love and enjoy.

In order to heal, you don’t have to pause your life. You don’t have to stop attending your classes or resign from your job. You just need to slow down

S    l    o    w       d    o     w     n   .  .   .

Be more present. Consider if the things you do or you allot your time to still serve you. Are the things you do really important or are they already destructive to you?

Take time to evaluate your life. Maybe you need to change something, maybe you need to change everything. Think more of the now, instead of the then or the next.

You can do it. You can heal at your own time. Want it though. Have the desire in your heart to truly heal.

Then after you’ve been healed, be an inspiration to others who need healing. 🙂

A good day to you!

This is Me.

Warning: If you cannot handle too much negativity then stop reading.

I hate myself. There’s a reason why. I hate my personality but I couldn’t just change. This is me. How can I change myself?

1. Too sensitive.

As a child, I’ve always been sensitive. Relatives are always saying that too but even though they know that fact about me, it didn’t stop them to provoke my emotions. I still remember those times when they used to make me cry. It’s always about me being fat. They made me fun of me even though they know that I am very sensitive.

Nobody told me that I’m going to have a hard time being a sensitive adult. Nobody taught me how to be less sensitive. Instead, they helped me be more and more sensitive.

Since then, I make a big deal of everything. I get sad, extremely sad, over things I shouldn’t be sad about. I am temperamental. My emotions are intense. I find it so, so difficult to tame them.

2. Prideful and Stubborn

I don’t know where I got this pride taller than the Everest. But I have it. I always believe that I’m superior.

I’ve been stubborn about basically everything. When I don’t want to do something, by all means, you won’t be able to convince me to do it. When I don’t want something, I don’t want it period.

I’ve always been a drama queen when with my family. If they did something I didn’t like, I’ll show them I’m pissed. Nobody told me that it isn’t cute and it’s in fact very disrespectful.

3. Selfish

I don’t find it easy to give something to someone. I need a reason, a valid one, as to why he deserves it.

I always think about myself first. That’s why I don’t do something I don’t want to do even if it would benefit other people.

4. Loner

I can’t keep up with social activities. I’ve always been a loner. Instead of playing outside as a child, I prefer to stay inside the house and read my schoolbooks. I have so few friends. I can count them in one hand.

I don’t know how to talk to people. I don’t know how to express myself. No one ever told me it’s important. No one told me that I will need people. No one told me that it is depressing to always be alone.

5. Coward

I don’t face problems. I run from them. I am a quitter. I always find the ugly in situation and then find a way to escape it. Brevity is the last thing that I have.

I escape. I always escape. Nobody told me that it’s the wrong way to do it. Nobody told me that you don’t really solve a problem by escaping but rather, you’ll only lengthening the agony.

6. Pretender

I don’t know how to express myself so I’ll just pretend that I’m okay. I always choose the easy way out of everything.

I don’t want people to judge me so I just pretend that I got this. Fake it ’til you make it, right?

The only reason why I love myself is because God created me and he loves me so deeply. I gain comfort in that. I wake up everyday with a little hope that God’s love for me will make everything honestly okay. My love for myself and for God is what’s keeping me happy.

You, you got to love yourself too. You only got you and God. Love Him. Love You.

A Moment of Relaxation with You

Hi! 

How are you? 

Oh.

Hmm…

Why don’t you relax for a while.

Yes, relax. Sit still and if you want to, go on ahead and massage your head. Just gently press your fingers on your scalp and move them in circular motion. There…

That’s okay. Massaging your head helps with the circulation of your blood and it relaxes you.

You may also comb your hair using a fine brush or your fingers. It will also help you relax.

Breathe in and out. Deep breathing will help you release the tension in your body. It definitely alleviates stress. Breathe in and out as many times as you needed.

Do you want some tea? Green tea and mint will refresh you. Just the smell of the mint can even cure your headaches. I recommend camomile tea if you need to calm your mind. Jasmine tea would also be a great choice. Should I add a bit of lemon juice?

If it’s too warm on your location, I would give you a freshly squeezed lemon juice instead. It’s sour, I know but so very refreshing. Or I could just bring you a glass of cold water. You want extra ice?

Just chill for a couple of moments…

Don’t worry about your schedule or the things that you should do for a while. Come on, all of us need to take a break.

Are you fond of music? We can, perhaps, turn on the radio. I know a station that plays mellow music all day long. That could be good. We can change it to your type of music anytime.

Close your eyes and take time to enjoy the serenity of doing absolutely nothing, of relaxing…

Hmm…

What a nice moment.

Hmm…